Saturday, 12 December 2009

Bankers and their bonuses

I’m in constant conflict over bankers’ bonuses. They’re undoubtedly the greatest scam ever perpetrated on the British public. To think that the same bankers that led us into the worst recession since the 1930s are making out like bandits this Christmas with massive bonuses – on top of their inflated salaries – inspires the kind of rage that, if bottled and weaponised, could melt faces at 100 yards. Their predatory short-termism and idiotic faith in highly complex financial instruments make them singularly undeserving of any financial reward. This is especially true of the tens of thousands of financiers whose jobs are only safe thanks to the enormous public investment in their firms. Battling for room in my reasoning, however, is the understanding that for the British public to redeem the billions pumped into the banks, we need talented bankers – and that disincentivising them by denying them bonuses might be counterproductive. Steering a course through this bipolar nightmare is tricky, but it’s clear to me the only reasonable course of action open to us is to bus some laid-off steelworkers from the North down to London every week and have them break the legs of every tenth banker they come across with a shovel. This should sate the public’s lust for banker blood and keep the pin-striped merchants of shit repaying us in as an efficient manner as possible. I can see no other solution.

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